I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.