I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”