I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
You Might Also Like
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?