I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.