I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).