I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
barbara was highly relatable
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.