I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
repaired
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I don’t know what to do
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Same pineapple, same
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.