i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”