“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.