I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
sigh
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
No. YOU-buprofen.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.