I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
one last job
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up