I like crazy people until they notice me
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
i wish i could marry a nap
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.