I like donuts.
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Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!