I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
thanks auntie mary
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?