I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Buck naked
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.