I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.