I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.