I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings