I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S