@dubstep4dads

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

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@sami_stacks

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

@AngelaEhh

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

@stewiecoffee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

@AndrewChamings

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

@TheAndrewNadeau

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

@cathisamazing

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

@EliBraden

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’