i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
(more comics:
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Oh, I bet you would be
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.