I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.