i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.