I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
sry
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement