I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.