I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me