I like it thick and deep
Pizza
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I can’t wait!
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt