I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
(Electricians.)
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
*jazz hands*