i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
no their not
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.