@tiemespankme

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

You Might Also Like

@NikkiReimer

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

@HoneyMustardMa

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

@skittle624

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

@MrsTomServo

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

@ericamorecambe

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

@KevinBuffalo

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

@KateWhineHall

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

@mommajessiec

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

@flashember

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting