I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up


My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.


I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.


Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.


Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”


Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.


My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.


It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.


[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting