I like long walks away from everyone
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
me after drinking all the wine:
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!