I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black