I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Same pineapple, same
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.