I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Xylophonist Shredding It
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no