‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
A drum solo but on your face.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru