I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
FRED: right
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
How to woo a woman
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!