I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!