I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
C: I saw her come in with you.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
friend: make everything about her
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault