@primawesome

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

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@JimmerThatisAll

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

@leechee420

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

@barryjohnharper

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

@WilliamAder

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

@mostlysharks

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

@minivansandgin

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

@clichedout

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

@_NikSpace

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

@decentbirthday

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault