I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

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I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.


Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.


My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”


I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”


Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.


doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies


Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
C: I saw her come in with you.


WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please


Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.


[before date]

friend: make everything about her


waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault