I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
is this a threat
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”