I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Monday
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.