I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
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OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…