@WittySassBasket When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
@KattsDogma I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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@WittySassBasket 
@themouseyouknow The prophecy is fulfilled
@AndyAsAdjective 11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
@dshack8 2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
@simoncholland Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
@Beerhaze If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
@TheAlexNevil Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
@amandajpanda If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
@SvnSxty I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
@geekysteven *narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
