@lincnotfound professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
@KattsDogma I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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@lincnotfound 
@TheAlexNevil “But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
@MavenofHonor Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
@dubstep4dads [i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
@SwissArmyWife00 Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
@JeffFuckinSays The best blowjob I’ve ever had cost me $27.25. She wasn’t a hooker or anything, but her kids kept making me put money in their swear jar.
@johnbiehl Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
@TheTimmyToes *tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
@CynicalTherapi1 To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
@richforri “I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!