I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*