I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Twitter remains undefeated
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
at ease…shoulder.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.