I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.