I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Good point.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
#Caturday
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.