I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer