I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.