I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting