i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
me
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
i choose….tongue
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean