I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
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*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks