cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.