I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.


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cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit


BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what


watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome


There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.


*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…


My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now


Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.


Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.


Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.