@craigwantsnack

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

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@sadgirlkms

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

@GonePhish

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

@IamEnidColeslaw

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

@kryzazzy

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

@IHideFromMyKids

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

@joshgondelman

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

@bigschubes

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.