I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
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ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*