I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Mornin
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
mom had nothing to worry about
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?